The Green Eyed Monster.

I went to the HSC music recital tonight. However, whilst watched I caught a severe case of jealousy. I wish I'd kept up one thing in my entire life. I can list numerous activities I've attempted; including singing, playing piano and clarinet, public speaking, soccer, dancing. But I'm still waiting to find one that sticks. When HSC is done, I'm going to find a hobby and stick to it.

Possible hobbies:

- Knitting

- Tea enthusiast

- Start making my own clothes (again.)

- Writing

- Start piano (again.)

- Photography

In the meantime, I've been considering career options, as one does during their final year of high school. I'm contemplating teaching; primary or english/ history, or floristry. I really really do like flowers.

We can be lost together.

You're a good listener.
I'm a good talker.
We're a good team.

Zzzzzzz.

I sleep too often. It's a proven fact. But sometimes I just lie in bed, not sleeping, just thinking. I think about things being different. Extremes. Like if I wasn't with you. If you weren't my family. If you weren't my friends. So many ifs and buts.



Sometimes I wonder if its normal to be this thoughtful..

Summer, hurry the fuck up!

I'm sitting out the back, studying the Cold War for modern history, sipping tea, and listening to new Angus and Julia Stone. I just want to be on Schoolies, up or down the coast, lying on a beach with my friends.

Even now though, I'm so peaceful and calm.

"The sun it burns so I'll jump right in, I felt the cold sea kiss my skin, I turned around and you were gone.. and I'm thinking of you."

I wish the pool was ready today.

Free.

I officially finish the HSC at 11.25am on Thursday, 28th October. Extension English will be my last exam. Cannot wait for such a moment in time to arrive. I crave being free from school and small minded people. I want to to go roadtripping. I want wide open spaces with fresh air. I want new people. I want a massive bonfire to burn all my books. I want no schedule, no rules.

Real life.

I lost my mind long ago, down that yellow brick road.

Candy.

My favourite movie, my favourite book:

The future was a thing that gleamed, the present was so very very good...

When you can stop, you don't want to. When you want to stop, you can't.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart... I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

If I didn't have more common sense, I'd get myself into a drug fuelled relationship with a poet, become an artist, and watch my love climb for him, and life deteriorate as I became a junkie. It seems pretty fulfilling.

Loved Ones.

Just a little thank you to the people that matter most, because you can brighten up my day when I'm feeling horrible..

My beautiful boy, Mark.

Sam

Janna

Court

Billy

This doesn't equate to what you've done for me. Thankyou for being great people. I love you for it.

PS. A shout out to those whom I don't have photos of, or that hate photos, you mean a lot to me :)

Letter:

I miss the way we used to be. Sometimes it clicks that what happened was for a reason, when I get my head around that, I'll let you know.

I'm sorry.

All I want is a Terry bear.

By far the coolest man, I am yet to meet, is Terry Richardson. Photographer, old man, and all round sleeze, he's easily one of the most talked about and questioned photographers in the industry. But his shit is good, nothing beats sexual connotations and images that shock and horrify the general public.

Control yourself, take only what you need from it.

In the final year of high school, there is only time for discussions of the HSC, friendship groups and pressure. But in the midst of it all, I've found some of my favourite songs become closer to my heart. MGMT's kids, springs to mind, and so, when the pressure of being a teenager, a girlfriend, friend, confidant and target for HSC bullets gets too much, I sit back and listen to it.

I saw them at the Hordern, for a modest $70, and life was easy, life was good.

Shit's complicated now.

The memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror. Decisions to decisions are made and not bought, but I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not.