I'll be there when you call.

Whenever I fall at your feet, won't you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain
The finger of blame has turned upon itself and I'm more than willing to offer myself,
Do you want my prescence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead.

.

I have nothing exciting to post. I'm bored with life. All I do is listen to sad music that my mum likes. I feel like I need a good cry, but there is nothing to cry about- apart from the fact that I'm lost and exhausted and letdown, mainly at how 'life' has become so tedious.
I'm used to being letdown by events, people even. But when my expectations of something are high, it's rare. Fuck you, life.

PS. This isn't your fault. You know me better than I do.

Inbetween this and that.

Everything is easy when I'm not 100% there. When I thought everything would be alright after HSC, I was wrong. Some nights I just want to lose myself, but I fear waking up in the morning to something that's not there.

Don't leave me with the scary people, please.

If I was a rich girl..

If only I had pennies to spare..

The things I would do for any of those shoes.. Particularly unspeakable things for the Alexander McQueen skull heels above...

Lady, you don't know shit about shit.

Inspiration is lacking. I don't know what to with myself, I need to get back on track. Too much of something is not good for beings. I'm watching too many dvds and reading too many books, I should be out there.

Edie: I went to a party once, and there was a palm reader there and when she looked at my hand, she just froze. And I said to her "I know. My lifeline is broken. I know I wont live past thirty."

We are Edie and Bob. So in love, so frustrated with one another, so perfectly fitting. But I don't want us to fail.

"They serve like a mockery in way of reality because they think everything is smiles and sweetness and flowers, when there is something bitter to taste. And to pretend there isn't is foolish."

I hate when people pretend everything is going to be okay.

Pure frustration.

I can't sleep. I have to get up in 6 hours and do a HSC exam. My mind is racing. I want to cry. That is all.

Good music makes everything alright.

I'm having a serious iTunes cleanout today and I figured I'd put my 'study' playlist up. Most of these albums aren't very recent, definately all are good though.

A favourite that nothing can contest. Bon Iver is to me what Miley Cyrus is to pre-pubescent teenagers (Sorry, Justin Vernon.)

Bloc Party is yet to fail me. I've been listening to them since my brother introduced us years ago. Intimacy is good, I've just been bringing back Silent Alarm for my favourites.

So suitable for my lonely study days lately. As Court pointed out it definately brings nostalgia for The OC.

A rare album- ie I actually like every song on it.

Summer! That is all.

Because it's my fathers favourite album. AND because Billy and Tom have only just acknowledged the existence of Hallelujah. Definately should listen to Lover, You Should've Come Over and Mojo Pin.. If you kids are reading.

Ok so I'm studying for this little thing called the HSC. I am oddly calm. I'm more stressed about this lack of worrying then I am about the exams ahead of me. I have my first one tomorrow for business studies so I'm doing a ridiculous amount of practice papers now. I can't figure out why I'm calm because I'm not confident at all. Maybe I burnt out... even though I never really did work in the first place.. This is awkward..

One of the many things that have distracted me: looking through old photos from summer, daydreaming about summer, thinking about going for a run so I look good for summer, looking at cossies on websites, thinking about fake tanning, considering patting my dog, maybe popping in to Mark's house..

WHAT THE FUCK I have HSC tomorrow..

William's Tattoo.

Eye of Horus: The right eye reflects solar, masculine, energy, reason and mathematics.

We're all ladies.

Before I left for this night my mum told me I looked like a lady.

If only she'd seen us by the end of the night. I almost fell into the pond. I mixed everybody's drinks. And I chucked a tantrum because someone said hi to me. By the end of the night I'd somehow made it back to my boyfriends house where I, classily, vomited into a bucket.

I will not drink again until the HSC is over.

PS. I managed to keep my lipstick on all night.. when I woke up it was as good as new.

PPS. Props to Lauren for looking hot while vomiting in her sink. Happy birthday homegirl.

BRB rebelling.

After HSC..
Hand tattoo:
Hair:

Lip tattoo:

Out of my hands.

I'm studying for HSC, but for some reason, the panic hasn't hit yet. Instead I'm here questioning everything I'm doing right now. I feel like I've been here before. I'm feeling empty; I need everyone to fill me up, to keep me from thinking too hard. Study is just part of a routine, so is hanging out with people. And then when I stop, times like now- sitting in bed, listening to my ipod; I feel so nostalgic for what we all used to be. Shit's changing now, I can't control it, and I hate it.

I'm drifting further away.

Pain.

When you're there, you're there for good. When there is fear; of loss; of pain; of blankness, these are the times that I truly love you. Because I must earn you back. Show you that you mean more than anything to me. So much so, that I don't know what life is anymore without you.

The Virgin Suicides.

It's so rare to find a movie which captures pieces of film, that actually look like photographs. Not sure who the cinematographer was for it, but almost all stills from the film are amazing, and are either printed out and on my wall, or my background for my laptop.

PS. I want to call my daughter Lux.

Tea tea tea.

What can I say? Tea makes everyone happy!.

I want it.

Tea + HSC= insane calmness.
Alice in Wonderland. I played the Mad Hatter in a school play once. It was pretty mad. He's a true tea enthusiast.


My dresser table. With my tea cups and saucers and other useless shit. The plate is a family heirloom which I use to hold all my jewellery. I got the blue cup and saucer for my 18th off a friend. I keep my Euros in the yellow cup when I'm not drinking from it, and behind is my fan I got from Venice, Italy. A constant reminder to go back there.

The Green Eyed Monster.

I went to the HSC music recital tonight. However, whilst watched I caught a severe case of jealousy. I wish I'd kept up one thing in my entire life. I can list numerous activities I've attempted; including singing, playing piano and clarinet, public speaking, soccer, dancing. But I'm still waiting to find one that sticks. When HSC is done, I'm going to find a hobby and stick to it.

Possible hobbies:

- Knitting

- Tea enthusiast

- Start making my own clothes (again.)

- Writing

- Start piano (again.)

- Photography

In the meantime, I've been considering career options, as one does during their final year of high school. I'm contemplating teaching; primary or english/ history, or floristry. I really really do like flowers.

We can be lost together.

You're a good listener.
I'm a good talker.
We're a good team.

Zzzzzzz.

I sleep too often. It's a proven fact. But sometimes I just lie in bed, not sleeping, just thinking. I think about things being different. Extremes. Like if I wasn't with you. If you weren't my family. If you weren't my friends. So many ifs and buts.



Sometimes I wonder if its normal to be this thoughtful..

Summer, hurry the fuck up!

I'm sitting out the back, studying the Cold War for modern history, sipping tea, and listening to new Angus and Julia Stone. I just want to be on Schoolies, up or down the coast, lying on a beach with my friends.

Even now though, I'm so peaceful and calm.

"The sun it burns so I'll jump right in, I felt the cold sea kiss my skin, I turned around and you were gone.. and I'm thinking of you."

I wish the pool was ready today.